further changes

well on the topic of my last blog post about fitting in, i have taken it a bit further and found out more about myself.

about 2 weeks ago i bought a ketai denwa/ cellphone (you need to be japanese or on a propper visa to get one, tourists cant apply) and it has had a big effect on me. i am able to be in contact a lot easier with my friends. i have barely had any time at home lately LOL.

the other change is, well like a lot of people in japan, i CAN be materialistic at times, so i decided to spend some money and buy myself the present i have wanted for a LONG time. a nice Louis Vuitton shoulder bag. i can carry things like my wallet, a fan, camera, hairspray, whatever. i really like the classic monogram pattern and have been a fan of it for many years. i have worked hard and put up with a lot of shit lately, so i think its well earned :)

im actually changing very quickly and getting used to slang terms here, although at times i do have hard time explaining certain things to people.

fitting in

honestly when i first arrived back i felt a little out of place, i wasnt confident at speaking japanese, and i could barely read hiragana. i felt like a forigner in the country i was born in. well it is only natural since i have only lived 2 years as a teenager and then holiday most years after that.

although when i went out to clubs and had a couple of drinks my confidence would build up A LOT and i would speak in japanese very easily.. and after a couple of drinks too many, i would speak japanese at westerners and they would be super confused, i had to think "oh damn i have to speak english lol".

yesterday while doing my clothes washing i met a cool friend Ozawa san, hes the maintenance guy here in my building. he is a seriously rad guy. we started to talk a bit and i came out of my shell a lot more.

last night i conducted myself entirely in japanese when i went out around shinjuku and actually did very well. then i went drinking at an izakaya with a friend of mine who speaks english. it was great having food and beer and cocktail drinks. although i ALMOST embarrassed myself by taking food from the dish with my chopsticks (its the way chinese eat at home), but luckily i remembered here in japan we eat from our own plate and bowl, not shared plate. that could have been embarrassing, so i guess i need to forget a couple of chinese customs im used to.

anyways we started the night speaking mostly english, but by the end of the night we spoke about three quarters of the time in japanese.

im really getting used to life here again, and i think i will go back to australia to do a short business course and then i will come back here to live for an unknown amount of time. possibly a few years or possibly forever.

fashion styles

tokyo really is the fashion capital of the world. no other country dresses as cool or as diversely as people do here. fact. it cant be debated, for years of traveling to places like Hong Kong, Korea, australia and a few other places i have been able to make this statement.

korea is pretty cool, certain clothes they wear can be rather stylish, but i found the time i went to Seoul, the clothes were a little bland, although FAR nicer than those in australia.

australia is even more conservative than korea... most people are too scared to wear the clothes they want to wear in australia. people dont wear clothes they like, because they think "oh i might look gay" or "its a bit excessive and everyone would look" or even as far as "if i wear this grey shirt with silver glitter on it, i WILL get beaten up today" ... where as tokyo you can wear anything and people DO.

its great to see all the versatile fashions of tokyo, from the gosu-rori (gothic lolita) styles seen in harajuku, to the more tame and upmarket brands sold in ikebukuro or omotesando areas (LV bags are very common accessory), or the cool "host" style of dressing as seen in kabukicho in shinjuku, guys with cool dragon layered long hairstyles wearing vests and fitted pants. those are just 3 very different examples of the styles here.

versatility and lack of oppression makes this a really exciting and fun place to buy clothes and wear them.

lets just say that i have an australia wardrobe and a japan wardrobe... in japan i wear the clothes i like, in australia i wear all the dumb and boring clothes so that i dont get bashed or teased.

gosh i love my japan wardrobe, its far nicer and more fun :)

food prices

today i met up with a japanese friend of mine i knew from queensland in australia, it was a good day going out for lunch. actually while we were on the topic of food, we both came to the conclusion that food prices in australia are stupidly EXPENSIVE.

here i will present a few facts and points discussed.

my friend used to live in australia and we met at high school. just like myself, he is back in japan to SAVE money. i will be spending less money here in tokyo on holiday than i would be just living in australa. its a sign that living costs are on the rise and average wages are actually on the decline.

mcdonaldz cheese burger = 120yen in tokyo, in australia it costs about 200yen.
cigretes pack = 300yen in tokyo, in australia it costs about 1300yen.
bottle of water from vending machine is 120-150yen, in australia it costs 300 to 400yen.

i have found the quality of food to be far higher here in tokyo, and most things to be cheaper than australia, although certain fruits CAN be expensive... notice i used the word CAN, as opposed to the word are/is.

vending machinese and conbini stores are far cheaper than supermarkets in australia.

keep in mind average australians earn about 30% less than average japanese.
once australia's property bubble bursts in the next year or 2, its only going to get worse.

anyways i hope you enjoyed my food comparison.

the revealing blog post

so this blog is about my life journey, both physical and mental. i will be showing plenty of physical things such as places here in japan, but also i will show the other side of life, what goes on in the mind.

its now midnight, i caught the last train from shinjuku back to nakano (marunouchi sen) and it was surprisingly very empty. speaking of empty i guess i am feeling a little empty, just like the train i sat on.

lately im questioning myself a lot, what is my purpose in life.
long story short, i suffer badly from depression, i was born in japan when my mom was very young and she couldnt take care of me, so she sent me to live with her friend in australia when i was a few years old. i never had any attachment to the family i grown up with, and i never felt love for them. im capable of love though, as i felt love for the pets i have owned, and then i fell in love with my current girlfriend (the first human i have felt love for). those who meet me im sure they will find me not very open at all, infact im a very cold person.

im able to be nice to people and care about people, but as said before i cant feel love for them. sorry to my friends, but i cant feel any such thing. so often im alone as i rarely make the effort to get to know people, letalone open up to them.

i guess it has left me asking a question. ok, what do i like ? what do i enjoy ?
well i do like music, but it doesnt feel overly important in my life. i used to like "driving" cars (re: 峠 touge) but now i have outgrown that. ok so i collect the cars i always liked, but i really dont NEED to do that, nor do i overly enjoy it.... so that leaves me not knowing a single thing about myself to be honest.

who am i?

new money?

well it appears that since last year, they have changed the money in japan. this year all the money has pictures of cats on it !!

ok so no, not really, thats a lie. but honestly this cat money is so cool. i got it from gachapon/gashapon (ガチャポン japanese word for capsule machine) it was 100yen per capsule, and it came with other little things in the capsule.

good for a laugh i thought, especially considering that i love cats ^_^

Mendoukusai mode / im sorry

well tonight is a rather depressing blog compared to my usual positive blog entries, im just feeling really "mendoukusai". whats that mean you ask?

well, mendoukusai is a term used to describe "i dont want to do it, too bothersome".
today i didnt leave my appartment at all, other than to go to the 7eleven... its accross the road, so that doesnt count lol.

i mostly stayed home listening to Zhou Jie Lun, i really like his style. his music can make me feel emotions so well. the instrumental and the words, he truely is talented, and his songs are powerful.

if only my sense of motivation was so strong. lately im really suffering in my mind, for the last year all i can say is "mendoukusai". its really hard to overcome. actually there is something i have been failing repeatedly due to all i can do is to say "mendoukusai", now recently i have broken free of that, nothing is "taihen" (too hard) for me, but still im a little fragile so its easy to fall back into the cycle, so i need to keep trying hard.

in that time of finding everything too hard, i stopped trying and didnt do anything, i KNOW i dissapointed certain people, and also hurt their feelings, and even today after i feel ready to try hard, those people are still feeling the hurt from what i did. it cant be erased and forgotten, but i hope my lazyness and lack of ability to do the right thing in those times can be forgiven and more chances can be given (yes even more...)

i just hope others can release that hurt that i have caused them, all the pain, anger, stress, suffering. i hope they can release that, and start to heal during my time in japan. because my brain is improving, and when i come back to melbourne to live, i want to settle down their for a while and just be a good person.

i just want to take this chance to say SORRY to some people, you know who you are, im not going to say your names, because you know by reading this, i am saying sorry to each and every one of you.

things are looking good for my return, i will have my ae86 toyota Trueno ready and FULLY rebuilt to be a brand new car, i will not be doing the job that stressed me out so much, i certainly wont have a legal case. i already am learning a new outlook on life, and soon i will further that by studying Shinkyoukushin form of karate, to train my mind.

when i come back to australia, i wont be hurting anyone's feelings like i did last time. i just hope the people i have hurt are able to heal, and forgive me, and start afresh with me as i will be a better person.

hmmm maybe im not feeling so mendoukusai after all now ^_^